Off With His Head
A play excerpt
(Scenes 1–3)
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Characters:
Alice: a young, lovely 1950s housewife. Her hair, makeup, and dress should be as exact as her personality.
George: a young man, husband to Alice. He should often be in a suit, and his general cleanliness should deteriorate as the play proceeds.
Betty, Kitty, Carol: young 1950s housewives, dressed to the nines at all times. They should be lovely, expressive, and cheerful.
Herbie: a stuffed dog, preferably black.
___
Scene One
Setting
The inside of a lovely house. It is 1954. Upstage left there is a couch facing the audience, an armchair on either side of it. A coffee table in front of the couch is covered by a lacy tablecloth. There is a window above the couch. It is early evening. On a coat rack on the far left an evening jacket hangs. At a rectangular dining table downstage right are two chairs, one at either end, facing each other. On the table are bowls and trays of food as well as cutlery. Upstage from the table is a small kitchenette with a cramped pantry that is above a stove that is on top of an oven. A counter has jars labeled “Sugar,” “Spice,” and “Everything Nice.” There must be a small drawer in the kitchen. The stage is empty.
At Rise
“Que Sera Sera” by Doris Day begins playing and ALICE enters. She is twirling and setting things on the table and tidying up the room. She goes to the couch, pets the dog, HERBIE, and then twirls and exits stage right. As she exits, the music fades. There is a knock offstage. A man enters stage left. He carries a briefcase.
◊◊◊
George:
Honey, I’m home! (Looking around at the empty room, confused) Honey?
Alice:
(Enters running, flustered) No, no, no! I wasn’t ready yet!
George:
What are you talking about?
Alice:
Oh! I had it all planned out! You were supposed to say, “Honey, I’m home!” and I was supposed to be waiting here in my new dress with a scotch on the rocks and a smile, waiting to take your coat!
George:
(Relieved) Oh, honey … it’s fine if—
Alice:
No, it’s not! This is the first time since we’ve been married that you’ve come home from work to our own home. We’re going to do this and we’re going to do it right. Now go back outside and we’ll try it again.
George:
(Laughing) Are you serious?
Alice:
(Playful) Yes, I am! Now scoot!
He sighs and exits stage left. She picks up the scotch and smooths her dress, smiling.
George:
(Enters, playing along) Honey! I’m home … again!
Alice:
Oh, dear! What a surprise!
He kisses her on the cheek.
How about a drink? Here, let me take your coat, darling.
George:
Thank you.
She hangs up his coat. He sips the drink.
Alice:
(Giggling) So, Mr. Borden, how was work on this fine day?
George:
Well, Mrs. Borden, it was a swell day at the office! How was it here at our nest?
Alice:
Magical! I unpacked all our wedding gifts, then went around the entire neighborhood and passed out lemon bars and introduced myself to the neighbors. And I still had time to read a cook book, vacuum the stairs, and do the laundry! It was a dream!
They embrace. They are both overjoyed. He sips his drink again.
George:
It does a man good to come home to a clean house, a beautiful wife, and a loyal dog. (Gestures to HERBIE, on the couch)
Alice:
Herbie hasn’t moved all day. I don’t know if he’s lazy or if he just likes the house smelling like a pigsty.
George:
It smells wonderful! In fact, I think I catch a whiff of dinner if I’m not mistaken.
Alice:
Of course, dear! (Leading him to the table) I whipped up some steak, potatoes, rolls, lima beans, sticky buns, and then German chocolate cake and homemade ice cream for dessert.
George:
There’s a good girl! I’m starving. Let’s eat.
Alice:
Wait, dear!
George:
What? Why?
Alice:
Why, you’re supposed to put on your evening jacket!
George:
But Alice—
Alice:
I’ll wait.
She stands, arms folded, smiling. Beat. He goes to the coat rack and puts on the evening jacket. She beams and pulls out a chair for him; he sits, and she runs over and sits down too. She does not eat, just watches him.
Do you like the lima beans?
George:
Hmm? Oh, they’re excellent, dear.
She beams. Beat.
Alice:
And the potatoes? What about them?
George:
Absolutely delicious.
Beat.
Alice:
And what do you think about the sticky buns? I thought they were a bit dry, and I would hate to think—
George:
Alice, everything you made is absolutely scrumptious. All right?
Alice:
Oh, George! You are the finest husband anyone could ever ask for! It is my honor to cook and clean for you, because you are so kind to work so hard to provide for little old me.…
George:
That reminds me, dear.… It seems that I’m going to have to work a bit late for a little while. Just some overtime. Don’t worry your pretty little head about it.
Alice:
But George, we’ve only been married for three months and we’re already going to be seeing less of each other? Oh dear, oh dear … how long do you think this will be?
George:
I’m not sure, exactly. Oh, don’t have a fuss. This is for men to think about. Focus on what you’re supposed to think about: getting this house together and making my dinner. Won’t that be fun?
Alice:
Yes … I suppose so …
George:
Good, it’s settled then.
He rises and begins to exit.
I think I’ll go the study. Thank you for dinner, darling.
He gets up to exit. She jumps up and goes to the coffee table where there is a box of cigars.
Alice:
Wait! You need your cigar!
George:
Cigar?
Alice:
Of course! After dinner the husband always retires into the study for a cigar.
She offers it to him.
George:
Alice, I—
Alice:
(Panicked) George, smoke your cigar in your study! Would you, please? For me, darling?
George:
Yes. Of course, dear. Anything for you.
They smile at each other. Then he takes the cigar and exits. She sits down at the table for a moment, looking at all the food.
Alice:
Anything for you.
She stands, smooths her dress, and begins clearing the dishes.
Blackout.
____
Scene Two
Setting
Same living room. On the coffee table is a tea set and butter cookies.
At Rise
ALICE doesn’t have to be in a different dress, but she is not wearing her apron. The doorbell rings. ALICE jumps up and answers it. Three women, KITTY, BETTY, and CAROL, enter. All are dressed very similarly and are smiling excessively. They are all as young as ALICE.
Alice:
Ladies! It is so good to see you! I’m so glad you could make it to my little soiree!
Betty:
Of course, dear! We never miss the chance to welcome a new family to the neighborhood. And I must get the recipe for those delicious lemon bars you passed out. They were heavenly!
Mutual agreement and “Yes, the recipe.”
Alice:
I’d be honored. Won’t you sit down?
They sit, KITTY on the right stage chair, ALICE next to BETTY on the couch with HERBIE between them, and CAROL on the stage left chair.
Betty:
What an adorable dog!
She pushes him off the couch.
Alice:
Don’t mind him. He’s quite old and some would say smelly.… George just adores him.
A tense pause.
Kitty:
You must join our book club, Alice! We read a book each month and discuss it every Tuesday at 3:15. It really is just the most fun! And I don’t want to speak for the gals, but it does get pretty wild!
Mutual agreement, “Oh, yeah!,” “Oooh!”
Betty:
What an excellent idea! Please tell us you’ll join, Alice!
Alice:
Betty, that sounds absolutely divine! I’d love to! I just have to make sure that it doesn’t interfere with my wifely duties. Wouldn’t want George to come home to a cold dinner!
Mutual disagreement and shock—“Oh, no!” They are all animated and in sync.
Carol:
(Whispering, as if with a scandalous secret) You know who really should be looking out for her wifely duties … Mrs. Campbell on Peach Street!
Collective gasps.
Kitty:
Tell me everything!
Carol:
Well, a little birdie told me that Mr. Campbell came home last week to find more than just his dinner sauced!
Alice:
Carol, how shocking!
Betty:
We should have seen that one coming! Susan always did pour the cooking sherry more in her mouth than in the saucepan.
Kitty:
Oh, that’s nothing! Did you know about Mrs. Allen?
Carol:
Oh, I love Cecilia!
Betty:
Shhh! Tell me everything!
Kitty:
Well, I was talking to Alison next door, and she told me that our little Cecilia has been spending a little too much time at Henry Clark’s candy store.
Betty:
Kitty! Do you mean …
Kitty:
Yes, it turns out Mr. Clark isn’t the only one who gives out free samples!
They laugh hysterically.
Alice:
Oh, really, you are bad!
Carol:
We’re harmless, I promise. But we do love our gossip! You know, we should get the whole gang together! That way we can meet your husband and you can meet ours!
Kitty:
I know Ed would just love it!
Betty:
So would Bill! He’s always trying to find an excuse to take us out somewhere. What do you think, Alice?
Alice:
Well, I don’t know.… With George’s work schedule it might be a bit tricky.
Carol:
Do try! It would be the most fun to get together. I can’t tell you how often Lewis wants to go out dancing. We could play a little music and dance the night away!
Kitty:
Eddie loves dancing! He’s such a romantic!
Alice:
(Surprised) Really?
Kitty:
Well, isn’t George?
Alice:
George always loved to take me out dancing, but he’s been very busy lately …
Carol:
Lewis and I love to go out too! We try to as much as possible to get it all in before we start having children.
Kitty:
We feel the same way. Isn’t it great to be young and married? Especially with such a sweet husband.
A collective sigh.
Betty:
Kitty, that is so touching! It reminds me of the Obsourne girl and the Warren boy. When will those two get married?
Carol:
I don’t know, maybe when Mrs. Warren can fit through the church doors!
All laugh except ALICE, who nods politely and smiles, worried.
Betty:
By the way, did you hear that …
Lights fade to blackout.
____
Scene Three
Setting
The living room. It is very late at night.
At Rise
ALICE is sitting in one of the armchairs, staring straight at the door. She holds a glass of scotch. Her dress is wrinkled. The door opens and GEORGE enters and begins taking off his coat. ALICE pops up.
Alice:
Welcome home, honey! Would you like a drink?
George grunts. After taking off his coat and hat, he roughly throws them at ALICE. She is barely able to balance the drink. She is taken aback.
How was work?
George:
Fine. Just fine.
He moves to the table. She hangs up his hat and coat and puts the scotch on the coffee table where a record player is sitting.
I’m starving.
Alice:
Actually, dear, I thought that tonight we might do something special.
George:
(Turning) Like what?
Alice:
Well, you’ve been working so much that we’ve hardly spent any time together, and I thought … well, I thought … maybe you’d like to dance with me.
George:
(Confused) Dance?
Alice:
Yes, dance!
She puts the record on. “Goodnight, My Love,” by Ella Fitzgerald, begins playing, and she smiles.
I thought we could dance to our song. We haven’t danced together in so long. I’ve missed you.
She walks to him and gets in waltz position and begins swaying. He pulls away quickly, but gently pushes her arms away from him.
George:
Alice, you don’t understand. I worked all day. I don’t have time for this.
He goes to table, sits, and begins inhaling the food on his plate. She turns the music off and picks up the scotch and takes his evening coat off the hook.
Alice:
Of course, dear…. I know you’re hungry. I made roast beef, corn on the cob, and chocolate cream pie.
George:
What is this? The corn is cold.
Alice:
I’m sorry, George.… It’s just … you were three hours late. I couldn’t reheat everything forever. (Beat. Holding scotch forcefully) George … I can’t help but notice that you haven’t had your scotch or put on your evening coat …
George:
(Eating) Alice, I’ve had a hell of a day at work, and right now I’d like nothing more than to eat my meal in peace and then rest.
Alice:
(Quietly) But what about your scotch on the rocks?
She holds it out to him. She smiles a perfect smile.
George:
Alice, please! I’m eating. It’s bad enough that I have to eat this.
Pause.
Alice:
(Unsure, nervously, quietly) Are you sure you don’t want your evening coat?
George:
Damn it, Alice!
She jumps. He contains himself.
(Mockingly) Yes, Alice, I’m sure.
He takes a few more bites.
I can’t eat anymore of this. I’ll be in my study.
He pushes back his chair and begins to exit stage right. Just as she stands to speak, he turns around.
And no, I do not want a cigar. I did not want a cigar yesterday. Or last week. Nor will I want one tomorrow—or ever!
Alice:
But … you have to have your cigar! George!
She freezes, alone, with the scotch and evening coat in hand. She looks at them intensely.
(Quietly, to herself) It wasn’t supposed to be this way.
She pushes his chair in and downs the scotch in one swallow.
Blackout.