The Politician’s Aide

Sir, methadone creates new ills,
and legalization’s yet weaker.
You may profess plans for social reform,
but cinderblock still is much cheaper.

*

Auntie Anti-Anti-Vivisection

Fetal pigs aren’t human,
lab rats aren’t divine, and—
what was that?
Don’t touch that cat!
He’s a pet. He’s mine.

*

The Post-Menopausal Housewife

I cannot help but envy
my kitchen Frigidaire its heat:
I’ve too much chill in my crisper,
so my fruits are too cold to eat.

*

The Female Misogynist

The second wave only soaked skin in brine,
and the third wave left us too wet.
The Times says there’s nothing a woman can’t do.
Hey—you wanna make a bet?

*

Thoroughly Modern Helen of Troy

I’ve started six wars on the Barbary coast
and made a great fuck-up of France,
broken twelve hearts with one cruel gaze—
and that’s just the day I wore pants.

—Sadie McCarney