The Draft Board: Enrichment, Engagement

[1]
Achilles to Patroclus

Should
Have
Been
Me,
Washed
Out
To
Sea.
You’ve
Left
Ca-
Tas-
Tro-
Phe.

[2]
Achilles to Patroclus

Should
Have
Been
Me,
Washed
Out
To
Sea.
My
Sword’s
Ca-
Tas-
Tro-
Phe.

I made the change from “You’ve / Left” to “My / Sword’s” in this skinny sonnet in an attempt to enrich the poem, to pack as much as I could into the fourteen syllables I allowed myself. “You’ve / Left” is implied in the poem’s title, “Achilles to Patroclus,” and is also redundant after “Washed / Out / To / Sea.”

“My / Sword’s” works on a concrete level, for after Patroclus dies, Achilles returns to battle, wielding his sword with a vengeance. It also works on a metaphorical level: the sword is Patroclus’ death, Achilles’ death, and the death of countless Trojans — it is both cause and effect. The naming of the sword is also a very old tradition; for instance, King Arthur’s sword was called Excalibur. I like to connect the sword to the shape of the poem itself. It’s almost a thrust, with catastrophe on its point.

I thought I was done after I had written the first draft of this poem. It was short and sweet, hard-hitting and layered. But a second pair of eyes was able to spot the redundancy in the work, a space that had been filled but had not been used to its greatest potential. Taking advantage of this space brought my imagination — and my readers’ — into focus. —Kevin Hong